Bad Feelings

August 5, 2008

1.  So I didn’t go to the conference, and I kinda wish I had, but I’m kinda glad I didn’t, because of the expense/hassle factor.  Still conflicted and quasi-guilty, and the event itself is over.  Dumb.

2.  I’m also feeling conflicted about my dissertation, which is not going so well.  Basically, I’m terrified of how HARD it is to write, and I psych myself out about whether I can do this.  I know I can, but I fear I can’t.  And I fear feedback, and I fear going on the market, and I fear the fact that jobs are so sparse, and I fear and I fear and I fear, and basically, I’m standing in my own way by pinning all those fears on the writing process, which is all I really need to be working on right now.  I’ve tried tricking myself, rewarding myself, shaming myself, and very little works for more than a day or two.  I don’t know what to do next.  I am my own worst enemy.  Always have been.  I hate knowing that, and yet still not feeling able to do anything about it.

I hear about other people zipping through their dissertations in a year, or 18 months, and I’m just astounded.  How do they do that?  And embarrassed.   Why can’t I do that?  In my own program and year, I’m near the front of the pack, but that doesn’t make me feel any better, because currently, I’m not getting anything done.

3.  I have been entertaining impure thoughts about my across-the-hall neighbor.  Yummy yum yum.


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