What is Therapy FOR?

February 5, 2009

I’ve been to this therapist person three times now, and I’ve never been sure why I’m there.  I’ve talked/cried endlessly, but it feels displaced.  I go in, puke (emotionally speaking), walk out, and everything stays the same.  I don’t have any new insights. I don’t feel better.  I don’t write. 

She has said, a number of times now, that she doesn’t want to “focus too closely” on the disseration/writing issue, but I thought that was THE issue.  I didn’t decide to go because I need to individuate from my parents, or overcome my childhood habit of food-hoarding (done and done), I went because I NEED TO WRITE THIS GODFORFUCKINGSAKEN DISSERTATION.

If there is a bigger problem “behind” the dissertation issue, it’s that I’ve always felt like my worth is based on my accomplishments, and that nothing I accomplish is ever sufficient.  That’s a problem, sho nuff, so help me fix that.  Give me something constructive to do that is different from what I’ve been doing.

I have been feeling a little better, but that’s more about the response I/we’ve been getting to the new blog, and sense that something I do/think/write might matter to someone in any way at all.  Therapy just has me feeling baffled.

So how long do I go on?  When do I draw the line?  Maybe the point is to find therapy so unhelpful and frustratingly time- and money-wasting (and god, the money–would it be better to put that towards weekly massages, or a vacation fund, or this?) that I finally just say “fuck it, just writing the diss is better than dealing with this bullshit.”


One comment

  1. Maybe that last one. Once it’s written, you’ll have to find new neuroses to fill up the time.

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